i kept hearing about nigerian e-mail scams. everyone was getting these things. where was mine? wasn't i, too, a rich american waiting to be fleeced by much cleverer nigerians? what was wrong with my money? wasn’t i good enough for a proper nigerian fleecing?
i waited and waited. meanwhile, all my friends were complaining about receiving these e-mails over and over from all different places and with different names attached. where was my poorly spelled european lottery winner letter? or maybe they could send me one of those “i have a great investment for you and it will cost you nothing”. where was mine?
finally, i received my very own nigerian scam letter. i was so excited! now, what to do? should i send them my own scam letter in return? alert the nigerian police? i think they might have been the ones to send the letters, or they were at least getting a cut. should I alert my own beloved government? could they do anything more to thwart these crazy nigerians. maybe they’re in on the scam too. the nigerians might be offering uncle sam a cut of all this loot poor dumb americans are sending them.
there only seem to be a couple of different types of nigerian e-mail scam letters. i wonder if there is a store, like staples or office max, where, along with forms for basic wills, divorces, pre-nuptial agreements and sales contracts, there’s a special section with the 3 different scam forms you can fill in. maybe there’s a software program which will automatically convert your perfect english into a horrid mangling of barely recognizable english which assures your potential victim that you are the real deal nigerian scam artist, not some rank amateur johnny-come-lately.
419. where did they get that term anyway? is there a certification program? maybe there’s a school where you bring your scam forms, list of potential names to use, and software to mess up your english and they make you buy a list of e-mail addresses at the school. then the teacher looks over your choices and makes comments, like “clyde ndgebele, I like the dr. lawrence bariga letter you chose, but really, make sure you mangle your english better. you want these stupid americans to think you don’t need their cash? and make sure you remember to pay the school for the addresses. you’ll receive your official 419 certificate in the mail after you have sufficiently bribed the postal worker in your neighborhood.”
if you want to see the list of current scam letters being sent, i highly recommend going here
i also recommend that while you’re there, you check out their brad christensen exhibit. make sure you’ve got your handkerchief ready, because you’ll be in tears in no time at all.
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