" 'scuse Me While I Shoot This Guy"

My apologies to Jimi Hendrix and his estate. I haven't even had a chance to read my e-mail, let alone write anything lately. Well, 'tis the Season...we're reaching the crescendo of the crazy holiday shopper season. Why, oh why, do the slavemasters I work for seem to think that it's a good thing to destroy your entire day by scheduling us too early to do anything beforehand, and too late to do much afterwards besides collapse in a heap? Or better yet, how about working until about 9:30 at night, then waking up at 5:00 a.m. to leave for work again at 5:30 a.m. ? You might as well set up a cot for me at work. There isn't even enough time to sleep, let alone calm down from the night of hell and get something to eat either that night or the next morning. What did I do?!! There are 50 of us to schedule. Do you mean to tell me that absolutely no one else could do the 6 a.m. to 2 p.m. shift? No one? And I'm not the only one this has happened to, apparently.

The only good things about this kind of turnaround shift is that you're so tired that you don't even remember the first three hours, and the customer contact is, thankfully, minimal, since you're there for three hours before they open, then you get a half hour break after they open, so from that standpoint, at least, it's optimal. But you're much more likely to have a cranky employee as a result, so don't blame me if I go a little postal. I promise not to shoot anybody, though. No one would be stupid enough to give me the ammo anyway.

Dealing with customers at this time of year is much like trying to train a really stupid puppy that you adore. They're sweet and lovable, some of them, but unless you stick their head right on the three different signs that state what the demo of the day is and show them the product right in front of their faces in stacks at the counter, they don't associate any of these things with the product that is being sampled with them. Maybe I've said this before, but I can't emphasize the obviousness of this enough to suit me, and I have to say what it is for 5 hours straight. It's not even a matter of literacy, because even an illiterate could look at the picture on the 50 boxes, bags and tins in front of me and notice that the demo looks just like it.

Most people don't even care what it is anyway. We always state the possible allergens in the product with a sign right in front of me and we tape an empty container with the list of ingredients right next to it at eye level. And yet, I actually had a teenager eat something called a peanut something right on the label of all the bottles stacked up on my shelves. She ate it without looking at anything or asking any questions about the product. Then her mother came up and said she was allergic to peanuts. I asked if she was the kind of allergic where people asphyxiate and turn pretty colors from ingesting peanuts and the mother said yes. And the teen ate another one! I wished them good luck that night. Personally, if I had a peanut allergy, I'd be asking some questions before I ate anything, even if I didn't see a three foot sign announcing the demo of the day behind the station, another sign stating that this product contains peanuts at eye level in front of the demo person, and an empty container on the counter with a label that says "Peanut..." next to the sample which she ate unquestioningly. Oh, and there were about 100 jars of the sauce on the shelf in front of the demo counter. Must have a death wish or maybe she likes living on the edge. Ever hear of the Darwin awards? I smell a winner.