To Dave Barry and Freddy from Retail Hell Underground with love

For some inexplicable reason, I was Googling around and found Dave Barry's (un)official website/blog and was overjoyed. I remember reading his columns in my local newspaper's Sunday supplement and laughing so hard that tears were running down my face and I was even more incoherent than usual, and that's going some. Dave Barry was one of my humor gods.

I took a writing class once and my teacher told me that my humor reminded her of Dave Barry's. What better compliment is there?

So I went to Dave's site to see what was going on. Not a whole lot, but it was amusing anyway. There's not much going on in my life either, but sometimes no news is good news, so I'm just going to look at it like that. Who am I to judge Dave Barry's life anyway?

The thought suddenly occurred to me as I was writing this that most, if not all, of my humor gods are, well, gods. Not many humor goddesses that I can think of. Sure, maybe Rita Rudner, Phyllis Diller. Whoopi Goldberg certainly. But when I think of humor writers, not many women come to mind. Why is that? Are there actually less women who are that funny? Or do they have more difficulty in finding a publisher/editor/audience? I don't know the answer. Do you?

Dave's FAQ had a question and answer that was one I've asked: can Dave Barry help me get published/find an editor/critique my work/tout my product or column or pimp my ride? Well, definitely not the last thing. And as for the rest, the site recommends The Writer's Digest to find publisher and editor information for sending submissions.

You know what I'm going to do for my New Year's resolution? I don't usually bother with anything so useless and hypocritical (does ANYONE ever follow them up?), but this year is gonna be different. I'm going to get a hold of a Writer's Digest and submit something. What have I got to lose?

And do you know who got me charged up enough to get off my arse and do something? My friend Freddy at Retail Hell Underground, who has a suggestion on their website to do just that and take a positive step towards something you really like to do. I went to check this fabulous site, which has inspired me many times when retail was ripping me a new one during the holiday season, and what did I see? Bless me if Freddy hasn't put me at the top of their Friends and Faves List. Wow! Thank you so much, Freddy! Seems like every time I'm ready to throw in the towel, there's my friend Freddy, encouraging me and all the other retail whores, not to give up. I'm sending you a big hug, Freddy.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

Now is the winter of my discontent. That's probably because it's snowing. I like watching all the pretty little flakes dancing around, so long as I don't have to drive in it. The world is blanketed in white and it's like being in a fairy land.

Snowballs are fun, sledding down the street is fun (I don't think I still have a sled, but the memory is fun), making hot chocolate and baking cookies on a snowy day- all fun, cozy things to do.

Shoveling snow, scraping ice off of windshields, crazy drivers trying to pass you because they have a four-wheel drive and you've got a crappy old car with questionable braking time- not so much fun.

Risking your life with all of the above just so you can hand out free food to cranky old rich ladies and the show-offs in the four-wheel drives too stupid or bored to stay home, which is where I'd much rather be- priceless.

So here it is, the middle of that great retail crescendo approaching: Holiday Season. Full crazy mode is still in my future. We're only up to Slightly More Crazy Than Usual. But if you add in the snow factor, that shoots the Crazy Factor up dramatically. Something happens in my city every year when snow hits. We don't usually get that much of it, but it's like we forget every year what a pain in the ass it is to deal with, then when the snow hits, we remember suddenly and panic. What if we're trapped in the house with nothing to eat or drink? We may never eat or drink again! Mind you, there's only been about an inch of snow most times, if that much. Still...it could happen. Right after man-eating land sharks turn up in the center of town to devour unwary citizens in the trendiest cafes while sipping their mochachinos. I want pictures of that.

After the snow-induced onslaught, my store usually looks like a bomb went off. The shelves are mostly empty, and my co-workers are left lying in a tangled heap of bodies flopped over on the cash registers from exhaustion.

Keep in mind that retailers love this. They're thrilled to bits that, in your panic, you decided to buy 14 packages of your favorite spaghetti, so that if you are indeed stuck in your house, you'll have enough pasta to last you for the next 5 weeks. Panic-stricken shoppers are a retailers dream and a retail worker's nightmare. I saw a video from YouTube on Retail Hell Underground's site where a stag got trapped in what looked like a Target store and it was slipping and sliding around madly trying to find its way out again and not succeeding because he obviously didn't know the layout of the store. Yeah, it's a lot like that. Only the deer was better at finding the ladies' lingerie he was looking for. And it took him less time than some of our customers to find his way out again. Pretty sad. For the humans, I mean. The deer seemed be having a pretty good time.